Finding “Me”

I stand in front of the mirror, and see someone I barely recognize. It’s me in a business suit, with short, well-groomed hair and nails done; a far cry from the long skirts, ballerina flats and hand knit sweaters I had become comfortable in.

The way that I have come to dress is only the tip of the iceberg. I am playing the main role, and all I ever expected of myself was to be the supporting actress. I have lunch appointments with prospective donors and regularly scheduled speaking engagements. Yet, at home I am Mom, wife, lover and maid. At church I am still Kimmie, ready to bake dozens of cookies in a moment’s notice. I stand out of balance, straddling betwixt two different roles, one familiar, the other causes me to turn and gawk in the mirror wondering, Who is that woman?

And I wonder….

Pastor says that we must never become on the outside what we have yet to become on the inside. Is this who I am on the inside? Am I kidding myself? Worse yet, am I kidding others?

Can I be this person from the inside out?

Then an even more basic question comes to mind. Who am I to decide who I am? Inside or out? Can I be trusted with such an important question? If left to myself, I would probably be sipping tea in a cottage, writing, not interacting with many. Who knows if I’d ever be published…If I’d ever influence any lives.

And isn’t that all that matters? Influencing the world around us? If writing is for writing’s sake, or just because it is what I see myself doing, but it changes nothing and no one, then what does it really matter if I ever write another word? My self portrait isn’t always accurate. Recently I saw this amazing ad by Dove, and I started thinking about how I see myself as opposed to how God sees me. I see myself as someone with little to offer. I would rather surround myself with beauty and comfort,too timid to relate to others in fear of saying the wrong thing. But what does God see in me?

Ralph Waldo Emerson said,

The purpose of life is not be happy. It’s to be useful, honorable, compassionate; to make a difference in other’s lives.

I once wrote about how a wise woman helped me discover my motive in writing. In finding my motive, I found that it wasn’t writing itself that i found joy, but in the desire to make a difference in the lives of others.

Jesus probably didn’t really see Himself dying on the cross until He gave Himself up to His Father’s will. He busied Himself with the 12, the 70, the city or perhaps even a people…but ALL people? He had to die to self and any personal dreams that He had in order to accomplish what God wanted for His life and for the lives of the whole world.

It isn’t comfortable, the things I am asked to do. I often feel that The Lord has chosen the wrong girl…but then I realize what good company I’m in and how many others wondered the very same thing. And I have to wonder, am I seeing myself through my eyes or His? I don’t have to be anything, because I died with Him. I just have to let Him be in and through me whatever He wills.

It matters less and less how I see myself and more and more how others see Him in me.

And here is the ultimate paradox, the more I lose myself the more I find who I was created to be.

So, dear friend, shall we venture out together to become the one He sees in the mirror? Are we ready for the view of ourselves to be beautiful, strong and empowered with His might becoming not all that we can be, but all that He can be through us?

Sharing with dear Emily…

And fantastic Michelle.