When My Flesh Explodes

photo by Patrick Hoesly

Everything is changing
and no one wants to talk about it.
This makes my anger flare with my nose.

I’m angry because I am the therMOMeter in the house
and it’s up to me to make it all work
and do it all with a good attitude
but I can’t when we don’t talk
and I feel furious and confused and out of control
and I’m not loving it.

The temperature is getting hot
like the lava livid lake of fire
in my gut that wants to spill out on everyone and everything
until they all retreat to their respective rooms
afraid of the smoking volcano that is me.

It doesn’t matter what was said or done,
my RESPONSibility is to RESPOND
the way that He wants and to be very honest that makes me mad too.

Everyone else can explode,
and I am to forgive and forget
but when I finally spill over then I’m the one with the problem-
a sorry excuse for a human being.

Why do I always have to be the grown up?
I want to stomp and pout like a toddler
thrashing on floor until I’m too tired to continue.

Half-way apologies bring the whole thing to a crescendo
and now my behavior is worse than anyone’s
and so any point I might have had is now moot.

It’s too late to act right the first time,
and I’m still feeling a little too stubborn to make it right
yet I feel His breeze in my soul cooling the fires of hell with a calm sea.

A friend randomly posts this scripture
So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up.
and I can not deny that His voice is speaking
but will I listen?

I don’t even know how to do good
and so I’m asking You to show me and to
help me not to give up anything but myself.

I look around me and the grenade that
I’ve ignited has left wounded everywhere
and I wonder where the medics are and if they can do anything.

His voice whispers in my ear
that He’s given me the balm of Gilead
but I must bow my knee in humility and apply it to those who have been hurt by my words.

There are bits of flesh everywhere
and I realize that most of it comes from me
for I’ve swallowed the explosive and hurt myself more than anyone.

I open a gift from a real live author
and read, “God, heal the parts of me that don’t want to be healed.”
So I breathe in a God-breath and beg to be cleansed.

Because when wounds are not cleaned
they become infected and infested
but the water of His Word stings as it heals my wounds of self-affliction.

I am healed, but left with scars
and I hope that they serve to remind me
of the ugliness of my past so that I can cultivate the inner beauty of kindness.

Create in me a clean heart, o Lord.
And renew a right spirit in me.
Cast me not away from your presence, o Lord
Return unto me the joy of your salvation.

Linking arms with Emily:

Joining D’Verse Poets

17 thoughts on “When My Flesh Explodes

  1. downright amazing, Kimberley. this just happened to me uh, like, this morning. And I spent time with the Lord repenting and praying THAT VERY VERSE….’create in me a clean heart, Oh Lord’. Only He can do it.
    Powerful post–so very glad you shared.

  2. wow. so beautiful, kim. i think you’ve put to words that which i have wished i could. too many true points to write them all out here. the struggle, the giving in to the flesh, the sin, the healing, the scars. all of it. and as Moms, we DO have a bit of extra responsibility, i’m thinking, even though we’re sinners just like everyone else in the house. thank God He is God. that’s all i can say, and that’s all i have to rely on.
    thanks so much for sharing this very vulnerable side of your heart. to God be the glory through your words this day.

  3. “Heal the parts of me that don’t want to be healed.” The truth aches in these words. And as a mom, I know I set the tone for the house. I was just reading today about abstaining from all evil; how that includes my tone of voice, the look in my eye, the expression on my face.
    To be sweet and gentle in all circumstances, that is my prayer. 🙂

  4. I think as Christians, we sometimes feel guilt about having what we have labeled as negative emotions – sad, angry, etc. and He gives them all to us, even the anger. I have felt those same emotions you describe Kim, about having to be the one that holds it all together, and you said it so well here. It’s the toughest job on earth, being a Mom.

  5. I love your authenticity here, kd. “We all stumble in many ways …” and you’ve helped us to see just how faithful God is to heal the wounds we inflict and the wounds that fester within us. Praying for Him to be strong in your weakness!

  6. love the cry in the end of a new heart….and i def appreciate your honesty as well…life is def not for the faint of heart and carries the kind of intensity that lives in your verse…and we wont always get it right or always be good…no one is perfect and this gives us the chance to show humility as you have done in laying it all out there…and that communication you yearn for in the beginning can be cultivated too…

  7. Um, yes. Been there, done that. This is so eloquently stated, this sin-turned-confession-turned-repentance. I want to move through the process quicker in the future than I have in the past, and eventually skip the sin phase altogether. Thanks for sharing this.

  8. Oh what a journey. this adult-turned-mother gig is…
    some day it makes me long for my childlike days again, too.
    wonderful poem, Kim. striving with you to remember I don’t have to be perfect for I am perfectly loved. and that goes for my family, too…

    thanks for speaking to my heart today, Kim. Hugs to you!

  9. I agree with Brian, life is not for the faint of heart. You’ve kept such honesty and integrity amidst the difficulty, I know this is part of what brings us to a healed {albeit with scars} life and a humble heart. Blessings.

  10. We all have a bad day. Begging for forgiveness is a great place to end a day like this. Be gentle with yourself. God loves you and he knew you would have bad days. 🙂

  11. I think so much of that bottled up emotion comes from the unreasonable standards we hold ourselves to. There is grace for all of us, and we are often more willing to give it to others more than ourselves. Wonderfully transparent post. We’ve all had these difficult moments. Thanks for sharing.

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